30 Rookie Lesbian Dating Mistakes We Made Before 30 | GO Magazine

I’ll most likely never your investment very first standard lesbian blunder We ever produced. I became puffing on a cigarette smoking beyond a lesbian pub, appearing all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden when a mature dyke, probably about fifteen decades my senior, arrived sauntering on over to me personally.

“What’s her name?” She questioned me personally, leaning facing the graffitied cement wall structure, pulling a lighter regarding the woman back pocket like some type of 1940s swashbuckler.


“Oh, honey.” The secret lesbian stated. “It is obvious you are disappointed about a female.” She seemed myself long and difficult inside eyes and dramatically increased her bushy left brow. “I’m sure that appearance.”

I stamped out my personal cig. “It’s that apparent?” I squeaked.

She lit the woman cig and sucked back a superb drag of smoke. “Yes.”

We sighed. “Good. None of my pals will talk to me personally because we drunkenly connected with certainly one of their unique exes.” I gazed into my dirty Converse sneakers thinking how the hell they got very dirty.

Had I blacked away and gone hiking?

a slow look extended it self over the secret lesbian’s weathered-looking face. “Rookie blunder.”

“I really don’t see just what the top price is! they are broken up for two f*cking years!” I practically spat.

“seem, kiddo. You should not shit where you eat.” And simply like this, she was actually gone. I really could notice the girl chuckling to herself as she happily waddled back in the club, leaving me to stew when you look at the anxious sweats of my personal “rookie mistake.”

That might being the initial novice error we made with regards to came to the strange underworld of lesbian really love and sex, but let me assure you, it really wasn’t the final. I’m not sure in regards to you queers, but it took me a number of years in order to comprehend the complicated guidelines with the ever-complicated girl-on-girl internet dating scene.

Listed here are 30 rookie errors I made, that At long last ended creating by the time I hit 30 and became the experienced lesbian i will be nowadays. (Though we *might* experience the periodic slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and infant gays, please study from my personal blunders. We put my self within the bus and come up with my self an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian to help you have an improved dating life than I actually did.

1. capturing feelings for a girl with a boyfriend.

This just leads to a smashed center, a life-long distaste for many heterosexual-man-kind, and impressive disappointment. I made this mistake in senior high school and that I’m convinced it screwed myself upwards for lifetime.

PSA: Ladies, women, females. Cannot be seduced by a girl with a boyfriend. You’ll get your self into all types of problems. About wait until after they break-up and she is sure she really wants to carry out more than simply “practice kissing” to you.

2. Hooking-up with a buddy’s ex.

The older lesbian buddy that chuckled at myself through that life-changing evening on club ended up being appropriate. “You should not shit for which you take in, kiddo.”

Really, “kiddo,” you shouldn’t do it. I know it feels as though there are only ten appealing lesbians in your area and nine of those have dated one of the friends, but often get usually the one lesbian who’sn’t, or date beyond your own area.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by certainly her Sapphic pals. That grudge lasts a lifetime.

3. starting up with a friend of a friend’s ex.

Really don’t proper care if lady you would like is actually a buddy of a friend of a friend of a pal of a buddy. If she actually is by any means tethered to a dyke you care about, stay far, faraway.

Our company is a strong lesbian group. Upset certainly united states, annoyed everyone of us, baby.

(I’m sure, I know. It sucks. This is why I prefer as of yet long-distance; there is not local baggage to worry over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she looks like a Shane, talks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, chances are high she is a Shane.

5. Assuming that because she is a girl, its impossible on her to-be a f*ckboi


I really don’t care if she’s a butch, a femme, a stalk, a stud, a lip stick lesbian, a makeup lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she is a self-identified lady doesn’t mean she can’t be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois are available in all shapes, sizes, and styles.

6. Hooking up with a bartender of my personal favorite club.

It will eventually break apart to get shameful while, my nice darling, never will be able to enter your favorite club again, without needing to A) pop music a Xanax (and that’s a terrible idea if you should be drinking) or B) simply take three tequila shots (which can be a terrible concept generally).

7. U-Hauling.

We guaranteed my self i’d not be the lesbian which u-hauled until I was the lesbian just who u-hauled. I am just the lesbian that has formally never lasted a lease.

8. finalizing leases against my better judgment.

These are leases, the amount of instances I’ve dutifully finalized that godforsaken dotted line whenever my personal intuition happened to be shouting “Don’t take action! This bitch is insane!” is actually regrettable, to put it mildly.

9. sporting my girlfriend’s leggings.

“are you currently sporting my leggings?!” My girlfriend mouthed in my experience after displaying late to a pilates class. I found myself in downhill puppy trying to center myself personally. “what is the problem?” I mouthed right back.

“We can’t discuss leggings! It’s unsexy!” She mentioned aloud, startling the Republican girl relaxing in kid’s posture to her left.

Honestly, she’s correct. Discussing leggings is the portal medication to peeing because of the door available. And you learn, every time you pee because of the door open in front of the gf, a lesbian angel loses the woman wings.

10. dressed in my personal sweetheart’s trousers (without inquiring).

When you begin getting back in trouble for putting on your own sweetheart’s $300 developer trousers without asking, you are drawing near to sibling standing. Your own girl will scream at you would like you are her frustrating small sibling who steals all of the woman good crap. Just in case


goodness forbid


someone happens to check much better than she really does within her denim jeans, well, pretty soon she’s going to begin considering you as this lady annoying small sibling which takes all of the woman great shit. You’ll find nothing sensuous concerning your sweetheart associating her younger sibling.

It really is a surefire option to never have sex once again.

11. making use of my personal sweetheart’s toothbrush.

Once you begin sharing a brush, you lose your identification completely. Before long might come to be among those weird lesbian lovers which have morphed into the same individual. Preserve the individuality, and rehearse your personal brush, kindly and thank-you.

12. Flirting with my ex-girlfriend’s friends.

It is an inexpensive adventure, but trust me. Its terrible karma.

13. Telling my personal girl that her pal ended up being flirting beside me.

In the event the gf’s friend is subtly flirting along with you, simply imagine she is becoming very friendly rather than, ever before drunkenly tell your sweetheart.

Until you want to be at heart regarding the lesbian crisis, that will be. Which, yes, tends to be enjoyable for 5 moments, but rapidly becomes, uh, terrifying…

14. altering my personal gf’s style.

If you tell your gf she seems sexier in blazers than she does in panel short pants, she will resent you throughout your own connection.

Just keep the throat shut and accept your girl your board-short-sporting lesbian that she is, OR find an authentic blazer-wearing girl. Because remember: you simply can’t turn panel short pants into a blazer, it doesn’t matter how frustrating you decide to try.

(you could, for any record, change a homemaker into a ho).

15. creating articles about becoming an insane girlfriend online.

Not just have actually we composed posts describing exactly what an insane bitch Im, but i have been pissed off when ladies I’m freshly online dating assume i am an insane bitch. “Well, did you not come up with it online?” They’ll ask.



. Touch



16. Pretending to understand what lesbian sex was actually when I didn’t come with hint.

“Of course i am aware what lesbian sex is actually. It is whenever um, you realize. Like, whenever a female becomes along with a girl…”

17. Pretending we realized ideas on how to scissor when I didn’t come with clue.

“I favor scissoring!” We yelped at get older 16 when I thought scissoring meant undertaking crafts and arts with each other.

18. separating using my girl whenever we were both on the intervals.

Don’t make abrupt choices if you are both bleeding.

19. becoming very envious and possessive toward my sweetheart any time another makeup lesbian/femme sort entered the area.

If the girlfriend is going to flirt, she’s going to flirt. Functioning like a deranged, hyper-jealous head situation isn’t really gonna end any individual from performing such a thing. In reality, it is going to merely aggravate the woman desire.

20. Flirting with feminine police, TSA representatives, protection protections, and various other ladies in uniform because I assumed they certainly were gay.

We lust after a woman in an uniform, but unfortunately never assume all women in uniforms lust after me personally.


I love those very long, pointy Lana Del Rey fingernails. But my personal ex-girlfriend did not value them as I attempted entrance with those intense talons.

Oh, the sacrifices united states trend lezzies must lead to gender! thankfully sexual climaxes feel great than acrylic nails taste.

22. Faking a climax.

You might be in a position to fake orgasms with men, you can’t trick yours sex, honey. Learned this one the tough way.

23. Unprotected sex, because, you are sure that, “lesbians are unable to get STIs.”

I’m surprised I managed to make it regarding my slutty period (I state “slut” in a motivated method! Don’t be concerned!) without getting every STI under the sun.

I did not even understand exactly what a dental dam ended up being whenever I was 21. I imagined it absolutely was one thing they stuck inside mouth on dentist. And that I detest the dental expert.

24. Playing in to the “helpless femme” label.

Even though community associates femininity with weakness does not mean I have to play the role. Screw that. I put on heaps of makeup, look great in pale red, and will save me from whichever catastrophe.

25. Falling in love while lost at lesbian parties.

“Owen, I’m crazy” we when slurred to my personal companion in the now-defunct Williamsburg homosexual club “Sugarland.” Another morning I woke with my center beating and my mouth as dry given that Sahara desert.

I was instantly flooded with awkward thoughts of pronouncing my personal want to a female whose name or face i possibly could not remember. For the following 12 months, I stayed in incessant anxiety about operating into this girl once again.


26. contacting my personal gf my personal ex-girlfriend’s title.

Though I did discover a powerful way to get out of this. Should you decide name the sweetheart your ex-girlfriend’s title, only repeat the immediate following:

“Oh babe, i am SO sorry. We known as you the woman title because I associate her with stress and I also’m stressed at this time! There is a constant stress me out, which is why it feels foreign to say your breathtaking name while I feel stressed.” Works magically.

“merely a lesbian could contemplate that,” my buddy Kevin considered me when I informed him the way I got off contacting my personal girlfriend not the right name. He isn’t incorrect.

27. Thinking I experienced a “type.”

We accustomed believe We appreciated ladies with short-hair who have been bigger than myself. Now we realize I really don’t discriminate.

Butch, femme, base, high, short


I love all kinds of lesbians (since the French will say,


). Purr.

28. Playing hard to get.

We familiar with consider easily blew off a night out together or didn’t text the lady I lusted over straight back, she’d anything like me a lot more. Then I understood that that game fails with females (at least perhaps not confident, mentally-stable females). It simply tends to make her believe that you’re a manipulative small twerp, and she doesn’t always have time for that, okay?

29. dropping up and advising a girl on very first Tinder go out I had already checked her Instagram.

“Oh, yeah, your cat, Fred! He is soooo precious.”


“How do you understand We have a cat named Fred?”

Crickets. Crickets. And crickets.

30. Thinking one girl we previously dated was the love of my life and this would I never overcome the lady.

One lesbian slice may be the greatest, but we promise you, my heartbroken infant lesbians, you aren’t expected to end up with one girl you date. In reality, you shouldn’t end up getting 1st lady you date. Your feelings are too away from strike, the limits are too high. Plus, so that you can know very well what you really like, you have to get within and day as numerous different ladies as you possibly can.

Therefore dried out those tears, girl. You will get over the lady. We big-sister-lesbian pledge.